


To My Dearest - 3 AM Self Reflections in the Mirror

by Gemichin



Category: IDOLiSH7 (Video Game)
Genre: Cosplay, M/M, Partial Ch. 4 Spoilers, Please be aware of the spoilers though I tried keeping them minimal and vague, self reflections
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:07:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23392237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gemichin/pseuds/Gemichin
Summary: If you look in your mirror long enough, do you expect your reflection to answer the questions you can't seem to answer yourself? Do you wish for it to talk back to you?What do you think it sees when it looks back at you?
Relationships: Izumi Mitsuki/Rokuya Nagi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	To My Dearest - 3 AM Self Reflections in the Mirror

3am, 12/25.

The digital clock perched on the nightstand read the time and date in such a bold red colour, it was practically screaming the reminder.

Christmas day, said to be a joyous and merry time of year. A time for family, for lovers, for friends, for smiles and laughter and that warm, fuzzy feeling that blooms from the bottom of your stomach upwards until your cheeks turn a rosy hue.

Mitsuki had half a mind to try to find the person or persons who came up with that idea and break their teeth.

Standing in front of the portrait mirror hung on the back of his door, the dim lighting that came from only the reading lamp by his bedside offered the soft illumination needed to show off the accents that he needed… and to prevent any prying eyes who might be wondering why he was awake this late at night.

A clasp snapped in place, the soft jingle of a bell made him pause to look in his mirror once again before exhaling and opting to remove the bell from the arm bands that were already decorated enough with white faux fur and small snowflake decorations. While they were… Cute, in a sense, they seemed a bit too much and Mitsuki would have a heart attack should anyone else in the dorm be curious as to why they kept hearing the sound of a bell ringing, as quiet as these ones appeared.

Mitsuki wasn’t about to take any chances.

Fastening the clip that kept the frilly petticoat from falling off his waist, Mitsuki let his mind wander, partially to keep him from completely abandoning this idea and shoving the Magical Kokona cosplay, the Christmas edition even, back into the bag that he had gotten it from. He had been the one who had originally asked for it, sure, but in his defense he wasn’t expecting it to look like _this_ . He had been grateful to have requested assistance in obtaining it over the phone because he certainly didn’t want to see the smug expression on the face of the particular person he’d asked… He didn’t have to, he could just _hear_ it when the reply of “Fufu, is that so…?” came after a pause. Mitsuki had to bite his tongue just to prevent himself from ditching the idea and saying forget about it.

But that had been three days ago.

Three days ago…

Three days ago when Nagi finally came back. Three days ago when Mitsuki had stopped being able to sleep. Three days ago when the group had tried to return to some semblance of normalcy after having gone to Northmare to confront the royal family in order to get their beloved team member back no matter what it took.

Mitsuki could still hear the words he’d all but shouted when his emotions had reached their limit ringing in his ears, the frustration and anger of the days where Nagi hadn't been at his side and the tipping point of being told that he had no place to return to at his side. Mitsuki had only distantly heard himself shouting at Nagi, unable to hold himself back any more when his partner said he couldn't be there any longer. His vision had momentarily gone black, a cruel reminder of just how much that dumb blonde meant to him.

That dumb blonde… That dumb blonde who was infuriatingly selfless, who put so much focus on everyone around him and less on himself. That dumb blonde who always, _always_ , looked at Mitsuki with so much affection and adoration that Mitsuki's heart constantly felt like it was going to burst right out of his chest. That dumb blonde who had all but shouted his love for Mitsuki on his birthday, resulting in Mitsuki practically panicking as everyone around them tease at the bold confession…

That dumb blonde who had nearly left Mitsuki's side, leaving a cold empty space where there was usually a blindingly bright smile and sapphire eyes melting with all of the love that Nagi so shamelessly showered Mitsuki in.

A pause, a glance up at the mirror once more and arms dropping his sides from where they had been clasping the clip on the fuzzy white collar that sat at the base of his neck. Mitsuki found only himself in the mirror's reflection, red velvet dress draped so perfectly over the white petticoat that poofed snuggly on his hips, and he reached out to place a gloved hand on the glass. His eyes traveled up the length of his arm to where the red satin gloves met the white faux fur trim rested on his forearm before casting his gaze back at his reflection, offering a sigh as if his reflection would answer him.

He could never quite figure out why Nagi had become so attached to him, unable to pinpoint the reason or the turning point where those friendly goodnight hugs that Nagi gave him before going to bed got longer and longer until a soft kiss was added to the once simple gesture. He couldn't remember when those kisses got more intense, added fervency on both of their ends until they had gotten to the point where they would always find themselves breathless when they parted. They were questions that Mitsuki didn't have an answer to and they were questions he knew that Nagi wouldn't answer. Lowering his hand from the mirror, Mitsuki couldn't help but smile with just a trace of bitterness at the edges of his mouth. That bitterness had just the slightest hint of sweetness on his tongue as he knew all too well that the questions that remained unanswered were ones that Mitsuki just didn’t want answered at all.

It had been this way since the very beginning, now that Mitsuki thought about it. Nagi had more than once declared his love and adoration for him, more often than not without any sort of reason or warning. Mitsuki had believed it to be a joke at first, something that was just “Nagi being Nagi” or relative to that. The fact that it had continued and even progressed to where they were now, Mitsuki had turned away from any answer there may have been to it.

Staring at himself in the mirror, Mitsuki glanced over himself. He had joked about having to wear a Magical Kokona outfit before, only to have to flatly deny Nagi when he had vehemently tried to get Mitsuki into the cosplay after the idea was planted in his mind. But now that he stood in front of his mirror in a Christmas rendition of the very cosplay he had so firmly refused to wear, Mitsuki couldn’t help but find it ironic. Turning one way and then the other, he had to at least admit that it fit him well. The fabric was comfortable to wear despite how snugly it clung to his frame, the faux collar and velvet trim weren’t itchy at all and even the boots had support enough that his ankles weren’t the least bit sore from having to stand in heels. Whoever had been the tailor of this outfit truly knew what they were doing.

Despite the embarrassment of wearing it, Mitsuki was able to push it aside in his mind whenever he reminded himself of the reason as to why he was doing so in the first place. Remembering it caused his shoulders to slump, his vision becoming hazy when he recalled the night he’d gone into Nagi’s room, only to find it completely barren. The despair that filled him had felt like a knife stabbing his chest, he hadn’t wanted to believe what he was looking at. His stomach ached, an empty hole having carved itself into his heart upon realizing that Nagi had indeed left them.

Mitsuki could remember a few nights after where he had brought his blanket into Nagi’s room and curled up on his bed after glancing at his phone for the umpteenth time ( just in case… ), feeling the lack of warmth that Nagi’s body heat usually would have given it and the faint scent that always lingered on Nagi still clinging to the mattress. Mitsuki had cried that night, biting the knuckles of his balled fist to quiet his sobs until he had cried himself to sleep, only to dream of that golden head of hair and the smile that was brighter than the sun itself. Waking up the next morning, he had felt far more tired than well rested and the dreams he could so vividly remember felt more like an insult than a blessing given that Nagi hadn’t been there when his eyes opened.

Turning around in front of his mirror, Mitsuki glanced around the dimly lit space of his room. Nagi had come back, that much was true, but there were still parts of the whole ordeal that Mitsuki had still been reeling from. The initial denial when they had wanted Nagi to come home with them, the agony that was on Nagi’s face when Mitsuki had poured his entire heart out in front of him and everyone, the death of Sakura Haruki… All of it had carved a deep hole in everyone’s chest, not just Mitsuki’s. While the heaviness that had been in the air since Nagi’s return had significantly lifted from the immediate return, there was still that tangible unsettling sensation that kept gnawing at Mitsuki’s heart. He wanted to be sure that Nagi was actually here.

And here to stay.

It wasn’t enough to hear the words from Nagi’s lips, the assurance that he wouldn’t go anywhere again felt hollow when Mitsuki heard them. Mitsuki was greedy, he needed something more than pretty words from a pretty mouth, needed something more than just a spoken promise that could easily be broken without a way to solidify it. While Mitsuki didn’t have an idea as to what would suffice for the assurance that he desperately needed, he was keen on trying to find something that he could keep close to him.

In his own way, Mitsuki thought that this gesture of dressing in the cosplay that Nagi had wanted to put him in for as long as he could remember was his way of promising that Nagi would have someone waiting for him. He wasn’t able to explain why, however he had full faith that Nagi would understand his reasoning. It was enough, Mitsuki guessed, to be able to offer a smile, however broken it had been. It wouldn’t diminish the meaning behind it, and Mitsuki believed that Nagi would be able to see that without fail.

Staring at his reflection in his mirror, Mitsuki adjusted the headband rested atop his head, the red colour of the band a stark contrast to his orange tresses. Fixing his bangs from where they had gotten slightly matted from the headband, Mitsuki took one final look at himself now that he had gotten every piece of the outfit fitted properly on his physique. Despite the embarrassment that he forced himself to swallow and ignore, he still admired the handiwork he had already complimented. He was grateful for how comfortable it felt to wear, comparing it to one of the stage costumes he was used to wearing during one of the groups’ lives or photoshoots. While he was only prepared to wear it for a short while, just enough to show Nagi and get his point across and retreat back to the safety of his own bedroom before the embarrassment truly sank into his bones and made him want to hide for the next three weeks, Mitsuki at least was able to say that he did look pretty darn good in the outfit. Though, he would absolutely never say that out loud, no matter who tried the words out of him.

Feeling his heartbeat begin to quicken its pace as he glanced again at the clock on his night stand, Mitsuki bit his lower lip as he attempted to calm his nerves now that he had finished his preparations. A chill ran along his spine, causing him to shiver as his courage waned just slightly. There was no more time to continue procrastinating lest he lose his nerve completely and abandon this entirely and Mitsuki had done all that he could to gather enough mental strength and given himself enough internal pep talks to lose face now. Swallowing thickly, Mitsuki balled his fists, giving a silent stare of determination to his reflection in the mirror, compelling himself to push himself forward as he opened the door to his room to peek out into the darkened hallway of the dorm.

There wasn’t a sound to be heard, save for the muffled sounds of snoring that came from a few of the bedrooms lining the hallway. Peering around carefully just to make sure that no one would awaken at the sound of his steps, Mitsuki tip toed carefully into the hallway, closing the door to his room as silently as he possibly could. Hearing the soft click, Mitsuki heaved a breath before glancing up and down the halls once more to assure that no movement would be heard. Offering a quiet sigh, Mitsuki made his way down the hallway just next door where Nagi’s room resided. Standing in front of Nagi’s door, Mitsuki stood still for a moment. He wasn’t sure why he was afraid, as he’d been in this bedroom many a time before. Mitsuki had to take a moment to gather himself together before he could come to terms with the answer that made itself known almost immediately.

He was afraid Nagi wouldn’t be there.

Biting his lip, Mitsuki clenched his fists, taking a deep breath to still the heavy pounding in his chest as he attempted to settle his fear. Nagi would be there, he repeated it in his head over and over as he fought the sting of warmth that threatened to gather in his eyes. Nagi would be there, and he would be able to see that smile once again.

Pulling himself together with that feeble assurance, with all the strength he could muster to get his hands to move, Mitsuki pushed himself to move forward past the fear that wanted to keep him still.

With everything he could find within him to keep him pressing on, Mitsuki knocked on Nagi’s door.


End file.
